February 13th, 2003

MHW

Not so good day today

I suppose I'm entitled to them now and again.

Basically I just stayed in bed and hid. Slept as much as I could, and then some more. Just didn't want to be conscious of the world. Didn't want to talk with anyone.

Couldn't even get it together to phone Tamar. Silly, silly, silly. I hadn't realised how much of a lifeline they've been, knowing they're there whenever I need them. Being discharged without them making sure I was well and able to survive without them feels... it feels like they've kicked my legs away from under me. Now talking with them feels like a threat and a danger, not a chance of support. I have to try. Somehow, I have to try. I can't manage without their support.

Written The Letter to the company that's managing my credit card bill. Jus has... well, persuaded me that I need to be offering them £20/month to avoid them hauling my ass into court, instead of the nominal £1/month that the CCCS has acknowledged I can't even afford to pay them. That's another £20 a month I haven't got that I don't know where it'll come from. I'm scared. I almost wish they'd refuse my offer and just sling me in jail. At least I wouldn't have to stress about things any more.

No. I'm not suicidal. So don't panic. Just having a deeply rotten day.
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