Pick up the nearest book and write a sentence at random from it:
The Scandinavians were on the whole at much the same stage of civilisation as the English; in the arts of war and shipbuilding and what one may term handicrafts generally they were perhaps in advance of them, as may be seen from the carvings and articles of jewellery they have left, but the cultivation which followed upon the introduction of Christianity and the pursuit of learning in the monastic schools was, of course, wholly lacking to them, since they were still heathen.
Do you like having your picture taken?
I'm entirely indifferent to it.
Ever bought a CD for just one song?
Yes, and it was a mistake to have done so. It was a track featured on the John Peel show, and I was listening to it as I fell asleep. Unfortunately I found, after I'd obtained the album, that the track wasn't half so good in waking life as it had been when confected with dreams.
The rest of the album sucked too.
Do you read your horoscope?
With typical Virgoan scepticism.
If you could only talk to one person online, who would that be?
If she were still alive, my grandmother. Of those still living? stgpcm.
What colour is the inside of your head when you close your eyes?
It varies. It depends on what I've been looking at a lot recently. If I haven't had any particular visual saturation, a dusky rose-red with silver tracery.
Do you find you use Internet language when writing notes in real life?
Apart from the obvious abbreviations, acronyms and so on, no.
When you're talking do you ever use your hands to do quotation marks in the air when saying certain words?
Very rarely, and usually to satirise those who do.
Ever seriously questioned your sanity?
As Socrates is reputed to have said, the unexamined life is not worth living. I would question the sanity of anyone who never had done so.
When you dream do you see what's happening in a character's view or a camera type view?
Character view, fairly uniformly.
Have you ever kept a New Year's resolution?
Yes. I don't bother to make resolutions about which I'm not serious.
What was your school mascot?
I don't believe we had one. Our school symbol, if that's any use, was an archbishop's mitre.
Do you wish your teeth were whiter?
Do you laugh at your own jokes?
Only if I find them funny.
What word instantly makes you smile/laugh?
There isn't one, I'm afraid.
When eating, are you more concerned with taste or healthiness?
Taste wins by a short head, but I generally do enjoy a relatively healthy diet.
Do you find you're different talking through IMs than face-to-face or on the telephone?
Yes. I am depleted by, in decreasing order of intensity, IMs, telephone conversations, and face to face conversations. Sometimes I can withstand the drain of conversation better than at others, but it always is a significant investment of energy. Even conversations with people I'd rather die than miss out on, there's a non-negligible cost.
How many phone numbers do you have remembered and can say off the top of your head?
Ten or so about which I have to think not at all. Another ten or so which I can remember with some effort.
Some of these numbers have been invalid for years, but I've never been able to forget them.
What was the best Halloween costume you ever had?
Blood, sweat, and other bodily fluids.
You had to ask, didn't you?
Do you cry when you laugh?
I sat by the Duchess at tea.
She asked: "Do you fart when you pee?"
I replied, with some wit,
"Do you belch when you shit?"
I felt it was one up to me.
Apologies, but the question provoked the memory. To answer truthfully: sometimes.
Can you limbo?
Not any more.
You're a vampire; what's worse, never seeing a photo/reflection of yourself, never being able to eat or drink what's not blood, or never seeing sunlight again?
All I can say is someone must know a very strange bunch of vampires.
Do you say random stuff like "I like Snickers" when you are having a conversation about something totally different?
My apparently random utterances are actually very rarely random, but instead are exquisitely-crafted linguistic harpoons.
Have you ever cracked into somebody else's email?
Breathes there a mail admin who hasn't had to? but for nefarious purposes, no.
Do spelling errors bother you?
Only the blatently egrigious ones.
Name all Teletubbies right now:
Tinky Winky, Dipsy, La La, Po.
Would you ever call someone a racist name?
Not deliberately, I think.
Do you think Vlad is a cool name?
Did you know it is Dracula's first name?
Actually, it's also the first name of the vampire antelope I once dreamed about, whose full name was Vlad the Impala. I've always wanted to be able to draw so that I could make Vlad the Impala comics.
What do you think is going to take over humans and rule the world?
What is your IQ?
I can't remember. It's a long time since I had it tested. Hundred and fifty something, IIRC.
Have you ever killed your own dinner?
Before eating it, yes.
Would you prefer a spork or a spoon and fork?
For what purpose?
If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?
Deeper blue, I should think.
Papa Smurf: loveable grandfather or crack-selling pimp?
Insufficient data to reason from.
Favourite of the seven dwarves?
I'm sure I don't have one.
Do you like Wayne or Garth better?
What do you think of gold teeth?
I'm not sure I ever have thought of them except while reading Prostho Plus, by Piers Anthony, in which it's impossible not to consider them when reading about - oh, memory fails - was it the High Muckamuck of Gleep?
Ever laughed so hard that what you were drinking spewed out of your nose?
Yes. And projectile nosebled. And puked through my nose.
Bottom shelf of the refrigerator.
Wasn't Josie and the Pussycats a stupid movie?
Didn't see it. But almost certainly yes.
Wasn't Shrek an awesome movie?
I wasn't impressed.
What did you think of the movie Turner and Hooch?
You don't know with what reluctance I watch films, do you?
Have you ever checked out your own arse?
As in amateur proctology? or as in aesthetic appreciation?
Either way, the answer's yes.
What time did you wake up today?
I haven't gone to sleep yet.
Have you ever dissected a frog?
Yes. I was a biology student.
Do you eat to live or live to eat?
Well, there's a false dichotomy if ever there was one. I eat to assuage the desire to eat.
Would you eat SPAM for £5?
This has to be a trick question. If you mean the chopped ham product, don't be ridiculous: hand over the tin, a spork and the crisp fiver forthwith.
What's your favourite kind of muffin?
Would you like enough crackers to last you a year?
For free? feel free.
Would you like enough beatings to last you a lifetime?
That depends on how long the beatings leave as a residual lifetime.
Is the only way you can dance in a dark room with a strobe light?
I think I can just about parse that. If it means what I think it does, no.
Have you ever written poetry?
What is the worst grade you have ever got on a test?
Due to a fuckup by the JMB, I got an Unclassified grade on my English Lit O-level. Those who know my abilities in the field may laugh at the ridiculousness of it.
How long have you been living at your current residence?
Five years or so.
Do you like children under 10?
Those with a reasonable personality, yes.
Have you ever babysat (outside your own family)?
Have you ever fallen off a chair?
Do you ever take stuff home with you from a hotel room?
Yes. It is expected.
What is your dream kiss like?
The most romantic thing anyone has done for you was:
Loved me for so many years.