Bimbling, as I often do, across the Web, and looking for information on Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation, I made a fascinating discovery.
Traumatic Masturbatory Syndrome
No, it's not friction burns. Neither is it mortification caused by your mother sticking her head round your bedroom door at an inconvenient moment and asking if you want a cup of tea. Nor is it lubriciousness indulged in while watching reruns of ER.
So what is, you ask, this ominous medical problem? Why, it turns out to be nothing more than the time-honoured method for boys and girls to get their jollies by humping pillows, mattresses, and the like. Then why the sinister name? Will pillow-prodding make you go blind, sallow your complexion, and cause hairs to grow on your duvet?
Visit, if you dare, HealthyStrokes.com and find out... then let me know what you think, after you've finished busting a gut. Epidemiologists, experimental designers and statisticians should find plenty there to delight them. I think that it's worth bookmarking to show to one's sweet, innocent students, with their as-yet bright eyes and unwarted palms, as an Awful Example of what happens if you do Bad Science: God may not smite you and your genitalia may not rot and drop off, but people with even half a brain will mock you a lot.
Goodnight. And - whatever you do - don't fall asleep on your tummies.